Making up your own logic. I used to tell myself, and everyone else within earshot, who may or may not have been listening, that contrary to popular belief, I did not have a problem. I reasoned that I got up every morning, regardless of how much I had had to drink the night before and went to work. And that, the day I could no longer do that, I would admit to having a problem.
Yes, I was coming to work every day. Semi-conscious, sleep-deprived, and hung over. But I was here. Not doing a whole lot but trying to focus on staying awake, but I was here. And, needless to say, it was straight back to the bar just about every night. If there was no one at the bar for me to hang out with, I would just go home and drink wine.
I am hesitant to call myself an alcoholic. I never felt a ‘need’ to drink. I didn’t crave alcohol, didn’t feel a need to have it to steady myself. A chronic abuser of alcohol… Yes. A problem drinker… Yes. I have never gotten to the point where I would start drinking in the middle of the day, or crack a beer with breakfast.
I do have a little moderation problem, in that once I start, I have trouble stopping. There have been nights where I have been able to do this, and have been inordinately proud of myself for doing that, but those have been few and far between.
I am trying, and getting better at my self control. Thank God I have a wonderful support group in my friends and family.
